Is this what they call angst?
This is somewhat long and maybe whiny, but there is a reward at the end!
I’ve always prided myself on being able to fit in with anybody, with any group. And in some ways, it’s true - I’m not quick to judge, and I try hard not to make any enemies or insult people, both traits that I think are good to have. At the same time, though, my desire to fit in with everybody sometimes makes me wonder who I am sometimes.
See, “fitting in” means that when I’m with a group of people, I tend to pick up their traits. If the people I’m with are very obnoxious, you’ll soon find me an annoying person as well. On the other hand, if they’re quiet and reserved I’ll feel a compulsion to be the same. I don’t really talk to others about this, so I’m not sure if this is something only I feel or if it’s a more human problem, but either way it isn’t something I like. I’d like to say that no matter whom I’m with, I’m at least mostly myself.
If only myself were that easy to define. The way I m when I’m alone? Not quite sure that’s what I want. I’m much less outgoing than I really want to, and I shy away from social contact. I have problems committing, not only in the stereotypical relationship definition but in anything that requires me to make a choice and leave the middle ground. Even something as stupid as being friends with someone seems like such a hard thing for me to do, at times. I often find myself intentionally avoiding people I’ve met because I know I won’t say “Hi” and I’ll instinctively avoid their gaze. Along with this, I rarely talk about anything serious with other people, instead preferring to stumble through some smalltalk or make sarcastic jokes.
These days, maybe I should see a psychiatrist - I’m sure there’s a pill for this kind of stuff.
But that’s not really an option. I know, deep down, that what I do is something that only I can change. If I want to be more outgoing, I have to make myself act like it. If I want to talk about serious subjects, I need to get past my fear that the people I’m talking to might find me weird and just talk. And if I don’t want it enough, if I can’t manage to get up the motivation or the courage to change how myself and others perceive me, then I wont be able to.
I guess I’m just suffering from teen angst.
This whole issue is one of my most compelling reasons to desire the end of my high school years. I tell myself that when I go to college, when I’m in a place where no one has any preconceived notions of me, I’ll be able to be someone else - the person I want to be. I can’t wait to have that chance, whether or not I can find the courage to actually go through with it. If I don’t take advantage of this opportunity, the only person I have to blame is… myself.
As I promised, here’s your reward:
Adventure Time!
At MIT, I suddenly discovered that I was one of the more “outgoing” and “social” people. This was somewhat true in my high school (especially during my junior and senior years, where I was basically much more socially aware than I was earlier - if that makes any sense), except that my social prospects were limited by (a) my reputation as the smartest person in our school (not necessarily unwarranted :D) and (b) that my idea of having a good time did not include getting trashed at Notre Dame tailgates or friends’ houses every weekend.
At MIT, on the other hand, (a) doesn’t apply anymore. Everyone here is ridiculously smart; being a genius doesn’t carry a social stigmata anymore. People are also much more accepting of what I might call “generic geekiness”: playing D&D, reading xkcd obsessively, wearing weird T-shirts, etc. It’s just part of the culture here.
As for (b)…well, that depends. It’s college. People party in college. And I also like to have fun, especially when it’s with guys and girls whose intelligence I actually respect. But there’s also many people who choose not to drink, which is awesome; and even people who do drink still pretty commonly just end up passing the time chatting, discussing issues (Obama vs. Hillary, MIT, energy, etc.), playing Brawl/Rock Band/Halo/Settlers, and so forth.
…sorry if I got off-topic. Basically, don’t worry about it. What you said, “I tell myself that when I go to college, when I’m in a place where no one has any preconceived notions of me, I’ll be able to be someone else - the person I want to be,” is absolutely correct. You will change a lot when you come to MIT. And some of those changes, you probably won’t even realize (like me and my “extremely social” tendencies) until they happen.
Being the person who’s “everyone’s friend,” who gets along with everyone, can be great - and I have every confidence that you’ll still be a pretty interesting, deep-thinking, funny individual on top of that.
Paul said this on May 8th, 2008 at 2:43 am